Dr Dolly Says …
ASK YOUR MAMA!
By Dolly Haik-Adams Berthelot © 2025
If you are fortunate enough to still have a Mother this Mother’s Day, let’s consider getting to know her a little better. How do you do that after maybe “knowing her” for decades? ASK SOME QUESTIONS! And listen to her answers.
Really listen. With all your senses and with your mind and your heart. Try not to judge or criticize.
The truth is, many of us know our parents very little, and start to wonder more, oh, just about the time it’s too late. One of the saddest refrains of the middle aged and elderly is “I sure wish I knew….” And “I wish I’d asked Mama.”
Daddy too, but we’ll probably deal with him next month for Father’s Day. And some of the questions are just as valuable to ask your grandparents, your aunts, and your uncles. And maybe your siblings.
And ask everybody else what they remember or know about your parents. Even siblings often have varying perspectives on parents. In blended families, things get even more complex.
Don’t wait for the funeral to hear the stories.
But now, if you are fortunate enough to still have live parents, ask Mama. Or whatever you may call her: Mother, Mom, Mommy?
Here are a few questions to get her talking:
Tell me about how you and Daddy got together. Even if you think you know, go deeper. If there is no relevant Daddy, ask about any close romantic relationship, current or past. If there’s no one or never has been, ask why.
Ask about the complexities of her relationship with her own Mother. And her Dad. And maybe her sisters and brothers.
Ask about some accomplishments she’s most proud of (and try not to just accept the too common “you, darling” maternal brush off). Explore achievements in different parts of her life, different eras of her life.
By half a century, most people have lived many lives. By 80, 90, or 100, just imagine!
And this may be touchier, but fertile ground for insight: What has been a major disappointment—in high school? In college? In adulthood? What’s her biggest loss so far?
What was her childhood home like? Her room, her hometown? Her elementary and high school? College? Grad school? Significant friend? Special teacher who perhaps influenced her life? Grandparents? Significant aunts or uncles?
What race, ethnicity, or heritage does she relate to—or not—and why? What aspects of her race, ethnicity or heritage have fallen away or been stripped away? How does she feel about that?
How has she been unfairly treated, judged, or misjudged?
What movies, plays, and music have meant a lot to her, and why?
What creative actions did she once take but put aside? Why? Would she like to try it or them again?
What does she consider to be a grave mistake in her life? What is something silly or stupid she once did?
What travels had particular signicance, maybe before you were in the picture?
What does your Mama remember and/or cherish or miss about you as a baby? A preschooler? A child? A teen? If you dare, ask this: What does she wish she could forget?
Take notes or record or video. You’ll be thrilled to have it in the future. However, if keeping a record seems to make her less natural, hold that for a future time, and trust your memory. But use that memory to take notes as soon as possible.
And if you dare, ask her what she wishes she knew more about you! Encourage her to question you!
Get to know your Mother a little better. You’ll both be glad you cared enough to ask. And to listen. Before it was too late.
For more ideas check out mineyourmemories.com, my extensive though visually dated website about story sharing, life writing, and memoirs. Although I’m much older and fatter than shown there, and no longer providing the public seminars explained, the topics themselves are just as informative, and free for the taking.
And I occasionally still consider select clients for creative writing and editing projects that appeal to me.
Dr. Dolly Haik-Adams Berthelot is a journalist, teacher, and writer as well as a consultant on human relations and writing. She blogs at Dr. Dolly’s Musings … on her site Mine Your Memories. She has two books published under our Energion Expand imprint, Scars to Stars and PERFECTLY SQUARE.
